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So the stories were true. Welcome to Earth, plant people. Be gentle with us.

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Yeah, are you Miss Morgendorffer?

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Daria or Quinn?

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These are for Quinn. You must be Daria.

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Hmm... It says here that people keep closing doors in your face.

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Hey, do you think your sister might want to go out with...

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Hmm... lot of flowers. And chocolates. Did you come down with a debilitating

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illness and forget to share the good news?

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Daria, it's not like I ask guys to buy me presents. I merely suggest.

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Daria!

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That's personal! "Happy one year since you borrowed a pen from me. Love, Joey."

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"I'll always remember the day you first asked me to get you a soda. Love,

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Jeffy." "These flowers should be twice as big as Jeffy's because I paid twice as

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much. Love... " I can't seem to make out this handwriting.

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Maybe he should use a sharper crayon.

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You know, Daria, how big a fuss a guy makes over your anniversary is the true

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test of whether he cares.

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Huh. And here I've been demanding they mail me an ear.

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I'm serious. If he forgets, it means he's taking you for granted.

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Not that I would know, but that's what Stacy tells me.

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Say, how long have you and that Tom  been going out?

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Um... no idea?

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Oh, Daria...

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Look, all that matters in a relationship is that you like the same pizza toppings.

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Well, I remember that your first date was the same day I started my split-end

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refusing regimen, unless you don't count from the first date but instead from

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the time you kissed him behind your best friend's back while she was still going

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out with him, which I believe was the night of the Fashion Club Blushathon finals.

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And to think, Mom and Dad only have the day JFK was shot.

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Let's say we ignore the instance of sleazy backstabbing, so that means... Wow,

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it's your six-month anniversary this week! How are you going to celebrate?

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Declare a national holiday?

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That's ridiculous. What's the point if there's no school that day?

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Hey, when did the help wanted section start coming pre-circled?

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Am I paying extra for this?

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Um, actually, I did that. Because, uh, you said you could use a new challenge.

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I was talking about learning to play two-deck solitaire.

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Dreamer.

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"Feeling boxed in? Leading corrugated cardboard manufacturer seeks senior VP of

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sales and marketing?" Damn it, Helen, I'm a man with my own business. I'll never

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work for somebody else again! Never, do you hear me?! And shame on you for

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suggesting it. Shame, Helen, shame...

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Jake, I'm so sorry.

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Hey, look at this one! "Kick-ass I-startup, superjazzed about expansion, seeks

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visionary dot-com expert for media leadership position." Where do I sign up?!

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Jake, you don't know a thing about the Internet.

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Oh, but I'm an expert on cardboard!

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Mom, Dad's bragging again.

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And look at that salary! It's an insult.

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It's a startup, Helen. I'll get in on the stock offering and soon we'll be

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living on Easy Street.

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Isn't that just around the corner from Delusion Drive?

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How shoddy fertility drugs are creating a new breed of gang and wreaking havoc

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with police lineups. "Delinquent quintuplets," next on Sick, Sad World.

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So... what do you want to do tonight?

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Oh, nothing special.

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Nothing special, huh?

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I'm fine just hanging out.

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Just hanging out. Ever wonder what it would be like to go on a typical date?

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Say, to a restaurant or something?

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Oh, yeah. I know, why don't we go to Chez Pierre. Normal dates are for people

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with no imagination.

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Ah.

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Remember when we went to the drugstore and read the greeting card poems aloud?

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That was a fun date.

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Yeah.

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Jake Morgendorffer? I'm Noah Barkman, president of Buzzdome.com.

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You're... the president?

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Let me tell you something about Buzzdome, J-man. We're a bleeding edge shop,

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pumped to optimize our web presence. One sec.

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Yeah? Uh-huh. Well, that's a start,

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but I'm thinking massive and I want you to think massive with me. Later.

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When did investors become such chickens? Good thing they weren't like this when

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we had the stock offering.

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The stock offering is over?

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Ran up 800% in the first day of trading. And here I am, I just turned 24 and I

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don't know what to do with all my money.

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You're 24?!

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New economy, right? You explain it to me. Drinks?

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I need... I'd like... a martini.

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Sorry, no alcohol. We're macrobiotic.

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I'll have a pot of kombucha.

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Yeah! Kombucha! Me, too!

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Jake, tell me. What are your thoughts about how clickstream convergence impacts

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brandwidth exploitation? Give me your e-vision, not what you think the digerati

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want to hear.

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Snotty digerati... hey, that rhymes!

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And don't just throw killer aps at me.

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So the answer is an engaged, community-based killer ap combined with bleeding

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edge e-vision and diversified synergy?

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Jake, that is a very prescient comment.

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Did I mention that I make really neat pie charts?

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You know, you're a little up there in years, but you're definitely plugged in.

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A toast to you, Jake Morgendorffer. You are Buzzdome.com's newest employee.

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You don't mind an 80-hour workweek, do you?

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Um... 'course not. Blurgh... oh... !

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I'm going to call it "Exploding Kiln Number One." Or what do you think of

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"Pottery Blam"?

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Mm.

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Enjoying that shard?

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Huh?

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Out with it, Morgendorffer. What's wrong?

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Well, it's, uh, Tom.

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My ex, your current. This is slightly uncomfortable but how can I resist? Go on.

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He treats me more like a piece of furniture than his girlfriend. I know I

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shouldn't care whether or not he gives me presents or remembers our anniversary,

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but I think I do. And then I hate myself for caring. I can't say anything

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because then he'll know I care, and it won't be the same as if he thought of it

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himself and, oh, God, listen to me.

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Wow. You sound almost... human.

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It's just that we never go anywhere.

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Yeah, that's Tom. He never took me anywhere, either. Well, except for that horse

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and carriage ride once. Oh, and that Italian restaurant when he got the

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musicians to play my favorite song, the theme from The Poseidon Adventure...

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But they didn't even play the whole song. And the breadsticks were stale. I mean

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really stale. Bad breadsticks. Eww.

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You see, Jake... an open plan encourages creativity. Come say hi to the other

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members of your work node. This is Nora. She's our information architect.

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Sorry; carpal tunnel.

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Zhengdong, interactive strategist.

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I'd love to hear your thoughts on FreeBSD versus Linux as a server platform.

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Right!

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And Sameer. He's kind of a one-man, pinch-hitting brain trust.

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If you need anything, my desk is the one with the giant inflatable palm tree.

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But we tested it on all three platforms! There's no way those links are broken!

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That's Jackleene. She interfaces with clients.

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It must be your browser configuration that's screwing it up! Your tie's crooked!

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You sure are comfortable.

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Oh, good, then I've achieved my goal.

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Have you met my girlfriend Daria?

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She's the perfect companion piece. No muss, no fuss. She offers the very best in

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lumbar support and durability.

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Dating doesn't get any easier than this.

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You're the only person on Earth having this problem! Are you sure you have the

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latest version of Flash?

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Hey, Jake. Thought you might like to know they're serving lunch. It's catered.

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Free lunch? This place is great!

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Hey, you buying in on that shopping mall project?

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Huh?

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Oops, sorry, forgot. You got here after we went public. You probably don't need

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any big write-offs.

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Hey, can I ask you something?

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I'm the idea guy.

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What exactly does this company... do?

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We provide tools to help other Internet start-ups maximize their potential and

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expand the virtual marketplace.

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Listen, Jake, I get paid big money to sit around and daydream.

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I'm not about to rock the boat.

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Danish modern furniture is so biomorphic. Do you think six K for a coffee table

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is too much?

151
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Not if you love it. Look, the original Batmobile is up for sale.

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Think I'll put in a bid.

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You guys got in on the stock offering, too?

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That was such a cool day.

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Hey, Nora, thanks for that Java patch.

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Hey, do those things really help you quit smoking?

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Jake, you're as funny as a case-sensitive search engine.

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Heh.

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Well, I've got a ton of clickthroughs to calculate.

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Have fun cruising the information superhighway.

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Information superhighway? Jake, that is so 1992.

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Next thing, you'll be telling us you still use Hypercard 1.0.

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Backslash, backslash, damn it! Got to remember it's a backslash!

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Relax. It's not like you depend on the Internet for a living.

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Right. Hey, thanks for helping me out, kiddo. I think I'm starting to get the

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hang of the world wide weberverse. Huh... should I copyright that?

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I'm sure someone already has.

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I'm really going to wow 'em at work tomorrow!

169
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Oh, look, I'm receiving some sort of message in code.

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Looks technical. This is exciting!

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You're leaning on the keyboard again.

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Oh, right. Good call.

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Oh... hello.

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Hi, Quinn. Is Daria home?

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Possibly. Or she might have gone out. I don't remember.

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Can you check?

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Whom shall I say is calling?

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Tom.

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Oh, right. Sometimes things just slip my mind. Like names, or what day it is.

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It's Tuesday.

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So that would make the day after, the day after tomorrow...

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Tom? What are you doing here?

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Oh, Daria, you're back! I left your many messages on the refrigerator.

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I wrote them down in case I forgot. Just trying to help.

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I was in the neighborhood and thought I'd see if you wanted to take a walk.

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Nothing better to do?

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That's it.

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I'll get my jacket.

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Hey, Jake, how's it going?

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I'm multitasking. Finishing up this presentation while I play an MP3, download a

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cannelloni recipe, and e-mail my congressman to complain about the high cost of

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car insurance.

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I can't wait to see what you have for us tomorrow.

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It's going to rock the world wide weberverse.

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Hmm... we should copyright that. You know, Jake, you remind me of how excited I

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was starting this place up. I'd code for weeks straight, fueled by

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chocolate-covered coffee beans, sleeping under the desk. If you look closely you

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can still see the carpet fibers embedded in my cheek.

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Eww...

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Here, have some coffee beans. See ya in the A.M.

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Okay, back to work! As soon as I finish this game of two-deck computer

202
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solitaire. Now, where the heck did that three of spades go?

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Jake Morgendorffer, that is one beautiful pie chart! Oh, damn, the zombies are

204
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coming over the hill! Bam, bam, bam! An exploding frog cartoon? Got to see that.

205
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Good lord, the Nikkei is down! Quick! Move out of yen! Something's happening on

206
00:11:33,062 --> 00:11:39,115
the panda-cam! "I'm wearing... a polo shirt and khakis. Why do... you ask?"

207
00:11:41,552 --> 00:11:44,201
Hey! Stupid tiny hourglass!

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Spin, damn you, spin!

209
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Come back, damn it!

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I always feel so comfortable with you.

211
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You're talking to me, not the bench, right?

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I mean I can just relax and be myself. I don't have to worry about impressing you.

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Yeah. Wouldn't want you to do that.

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If I didn't know better I'd swear you were mad at me.

215
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You are mad at me.

216
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I don't want to talk about it.

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You're mad but you won't tell me why. Jeez, Daria, you're acting like...

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I don't know, a typical girl.

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And you're talking like, I don't know, a sexist guy.

220
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I just meant you're usually different.

221
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Oh, that's right. I'm not average.

222
00:12:28,920 --> 00:12:32,090
I don't have typical expectations like normal girls.

223
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What are you talking about?

224
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Nothing. Just forget I said anything.

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If you're not going to tell me I can't do anything about it.

226
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Okay.

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Oh, Daria. Come in.

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You're busy.

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Never mind. I'm not getting much done anyway. I can't seem to concentrate

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without your father's snoring.

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00:13:02,450 --> 00:13:05,940
Well, um... I was wondering if I could ask you something...

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Yes!

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00:13:07,177 --> 00:13:11,310
Uh, well... Tom and I have been going out for about six months, and...

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Oh. Um... Daria, sometimes we may think we're ready for something and it won't

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change anything but we're really not and it changes everything and in the rush

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to grow up we sometime forget how precious are the fleeting years before

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adulthood's cares...

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It's not about sex.

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Thank God! I mean, "Oh, I see."

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But when you're ready, please feel free to come to me.

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Not that there's any hurry, nor should that statement be interpreted

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to some kind of encouragement.
- Right.

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Anyway, it's about our anniversary. It's not that I'm expecting anything...

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And you shouldn't.

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I shouldn't?

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No. Because you're setting yourself up for disappointment. Trust me.

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Helen, it's been a year since our commitment ceremony,

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and I've never felt more self-realized. Happy anniversary.

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Happy anniversary, Jakie.

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A leather-bound edition of Das Kapital! Helen, you shouldn't have.

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I wanted to give you something that was close to your heart.

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Long live the proletariat! I bet this thing will appreciate like crazy.

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A candle in the shape of a... wizard?

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It's supposed to be a Hobbit.

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Oh, of course it is. It's wonderful. Really. And so are you.

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Is the color okay? Because I could have made it in red.

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Oh, no... brown is so... soothing.

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Yah! Augh! Damn dog!

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I can redo the pointy hat.

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So, you were disappointed, huh?

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Well, I would have been if I'd been expecting a diamond bracelet. But I knew

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that a lot of time and love went into that silly lump of wax. See, Daria, it

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doesn't matter what he buys you or where he takes you. The only thing that

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matters is how you feel about each other.

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But what if he forgets your anniversary altogether?

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Show no mercy.

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So, adopting these new protocols means bye-bye, netlag, bye-bye, cornea gumbo,

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bye-bye, dancing baloney. Oh, yeah, and banner blindness, too.

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Thanks, Nora. Now Jake is going to wow us with his new plan for increasing our

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visibility in the marketplace.

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Increasing visibility is a good thing, and it will surely make us more... visible.

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To do that we should, uh... develop our strategy and strategize our

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development. Implement solutions and solutionize implementations. Aggressively.

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Edgy?

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Jake, I hate to say this, but you're just spouting a bunch of buzzwords. You're

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not paradigm-shifting. You're all sizzle and no steak.

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But I did have steak... and charts and graphs and animated dollar bills that

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danced around and sang songs. I was almost finished and then... my screen froze.

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Damn computer! It ate everything!

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Big, fat, smug, damn, stupid, crappy piece of crappy crap!

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That was great, Jake. Wasn't it great, everyone?

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You really helped us get into the mindset of the average Joe. Angry and

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confused, confounded by a new media he can't possibly begin to understand.

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Yeah!

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Too bad it wasn't an act.

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So I'm fired? I'll turn in my mouse pad.

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Wait a second, Jake. How would you like to be a consultant for us?

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Is that a trick question?

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No, no. I'd like you to be on call as a kind of spur-of-the-moment focus group.

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Help us see our work through the eyes of our end-users.

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But what is your work?

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Do you want to or not?

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Hell yes! Jake Morgendorffer Consulting is back!

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Boy, jump down someone's throat, refuse to tell them why, and suddenly they stop

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calling you.

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Well, at least Tom can't accuse you of trying to spoil the mystery.

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I really wanted to tell him, but I guess I was too busy playing games.

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Gee, Quinn, that jacket looks hot.

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Really hot.
- Super hot.

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Yeah. Too bad I couldn't afford the matching mini-skirt.

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Oh, Kevvy, I was only flirting with him to make you jealous.

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But, babe, how could I be jealous if I wasn't supposed to know about it?

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Um...

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Oh, now what's wrong?

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If you can't figure it out, I'm not going to tell you.

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Every time we have a little argument, there you go, turning on the waterworks.

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Oh, God. This is like that scene in Pinocchio when he discovers he's growing

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ears like the rest of the donkeys.

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Well, then, stop being an ass and go talk to Tom.

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And always let your conscience be your...

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Oh, shut up!

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Hey...

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If you're not going to leave a flaming bag of dog crap on the doorstep,

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at least come in.

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Well, can't resist an invitation like that.

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So I admit I've been kind of sensitive lately.

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And, um, a little...

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Distant? Cranky? Childish?

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Yes, thank you so much for all the adjectives. See, I was kind of, um, upset

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that... oh, God. I can't believe I'm about to say this.

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The six-month anniversary of our first date is tomorrow.

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It is?

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Quinn brought it up.

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So you're mad at me for forgetting something you forgot yourself?

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I guess it got me thinking about whether or not... you were taking me for

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granted and if you really do care that much about this... relation-date-ship thing.

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Of course I do. It's just that I'm not into that corny crap.

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Right, 'cause who need pony rides and fancy Italian dinners?

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What? Oh... you mean with Jane? Listen, I only took her on those dates after our

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relation-date-ship thing started to fall apart. I started acting romantic to

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hide the fact that I no longer felt romantic.

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So not remembering our anniversary is a good sign.

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Hey, now that I know these things are important to you, we'll celebrate.

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But they're not.

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Okay, then.

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But we can celebrate anyway.

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Okay, then.

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Wha... where am I?!

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You're safe with me, Jake. Your father's dead and Corporal Ellenbogen's far,

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far, away.

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Whew... um, Helen?

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Yes?

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I hope you don't think I... I let you down with that job and all.

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Jake, I'm glad you're back to normal hours. I missed you.

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You did?

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Of course I did.

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And it doesn't bother you that I'm a... failure?

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Not a bit.

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Honey, of course you're not a failure. You're the same kind, decent, intelligent

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man I fell in love with all those years ago.

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Really?

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You know, there's something I keep in this drawer that always reminds me of why

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I married you.

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What the hell is that?!

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Happy non-anniversary.

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Happy non-anniversary to you.

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Are you sure Quinn won't mind?

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Nah, celebrating anniversaries was her idea.

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Written by Anne D. Bernstein
www.outpost-daria.com

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Synchro by Atrabilogie